Friday, December 19, 2014

Wrapping up Another Shitty Year

Well, 2014 is nearly over.  I wish I could say it was better than previous years, but it was about the same. At least it wasn't a lot worse.

I have failed more times than I have succeeded this year.  I figured that would happen. It always does. It's not that I necessarily set myself up for failure. It just happens.  I think it's just where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do.  Maybe I'm an even bigger masochist than I thought!

I'm going to be honest with you: I'm in the grips of a really bad depressive state.  Yes, I've been taking my medication. No, it is not helping that much.  I haven't hurt myself, but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to. Often.  That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up.

It means that I spend a lot of time just lying around in a catatonic state, tears rolling down my cheeks while my brain screams things at me.   I hear the voices more loudly at times, and this time of year is particularly bad.  I don't feel any reason or need to celebrate jack shit.  I have no holiday decorations.  No gifts.  I promised the Aussie and a work friend that I would make a nice dinner on Xmess Day.  That's about it.

One of the major reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because this time of year reminds me of one thing I can never have - a baby.  I see all of these pregnancy announcements on my FB.  Tons of pictures.  People celebrating with children.  Children full of glee at the holiday season and the magic it brings.  And I can't have that.  And it tears me apart.   Maybe I'm just a selfish cunt.

I have no resolutions for the new year.  I never make them.  I don't stick to those things. Most people don't, but I have no problem admitting it.  I'll continue to smoke. I'll continue to be fat.  I'll continue to work too much and take absolutely no time for myself.  I'll continue to have no self-esteem.  I will continue to feel worthless.  These things never change, and I am not going to pretend that they are.

I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to delete this blog because I feel completely unappreciated.  I feel unappreciated in every aspect of my life, really.  I try to be around for people and be supportive and a good friend, but when I am really hurting...nothing.  No helping hand. No kind word. Nothing.  The Aussie continues to not work on his issues, and I continue to be celibate while in a relationship.  I continue to feel undesirable and unworthy of love.  These things will continue into 2015.  Changing the calendar doesn't change shit.  It's all the same day.  It's all one big ball of suck.

Now, in the unlikely event that anyone has bothered to read this, I do not mean to shit on your parade.  If you celebrate a holiday that's coming up, I do honestly wish it is happy for you.  Hold your loved ones tightly.  Tell them that you love them.  Check up on the sad people.  Do something good for someone if you can.  Don't end up like me.