Friday, December 19, 2014
I have failed more times than I have succeeded this year. I figured that would happen. It always does. It's not that I necessarily set myself up for failure. It just happens. I think it's just where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm an even bigger masochist than I thought!
I'm going to be honest with you: I'm in the grips of a really bad depressive state. Yes, I've been taking my medication. No, it is not helping that much. I haven't hurt myself, but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to. Often. That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up.
It means that I spend a lot of time just lying around in a catatonic state, tears rolling down my cheeks while my brain screams things at me. I hear the voices more loudly at times, and this time of year is particularly bad. I don't feel any reason or need to celebrate jack shit. I have no holiday decorations. No gifts. I promised the Aussie and a work friend that I would make a nice dinner on Xmess Day. That's about it.
One of the major reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because this time of year reminds me of one thing I can never have - a baby. I see all of these pregnancy announcements on my FB. Tons of pictures. People celebrating with children. Children full of glee at the holiday season and the magic it brings. And I can't have that. And it tears me apart. Maybe I'm just a selfish cunt.
I have no resolutions for the new year. I never make them. I don't stick to those things. Most people don't, but I have no problem admitting it. I'll continue to smoke. I'll continue to be fat. I'll continue to work too much and take absolutely no time for myself. I'll continue to have no self-esteem. I will continue to feel worthless. These things never change, and I am not going to pretend that they are.
I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to delete this blog because I feel completely unappreciated. I feel unappreciated in every aspect of my life, really. I try to be around for people and be supportive and a good friend, but when I am really hurting...nothing. No helping hand. No kind word. Nothing. The Aussie continues to not work on his issues, and I continue to be celibate while in a relationship. I continue to feel undesirable and unworthy of love. These things will continue into 2015. Changing the calendar doesn't change shit. It's all the same day. It's all one big ball of suck.
Now, in the unlikely event that anyone has bothered to read this, I do not mean to shit on your parade. If you celebrate a holiday that's coming up, I do honestly wish it is happy for you. Hold your loved ones tightly. Tell them that you love them. Check up on the sad people. Do something good for someone if you can. Don't end up like me.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
* I'm still mostly doing the meatless thing until the winter solstice. I say mostly because I've willingly ingested meat during this period, and I plan to eat some on Thursday.
* Thursday is Last Waltz Day in my house, not Thanksgiving. I may also watch "Concert for George" a couple of days early.
* I'm on break, but I'm not relaxed yet.
* My bathroom floor will finally be repaired. My dad is coming down here on Tuesday.
* I need to refill my prescriptions. I'm getting a little nutty.
* I have abandoned hope of catching up with the Pagan Blog Project, but I might still participate in some capacity.
* The semester is nearly over! Hallelujah!
* I'm having...some strange personal issues. A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me, and it seemed to pick up on things, but I still don't know what is going to happen. Most likely nothing, but I have a very wild imagination. I seem to enjoy torturing myself with elaborate, improbable scenarios.
* I haven't done as much cooking as I'd planned. I'm tired, I have no time during the week, and I'm often too poor to buy the ingredients to make anything interesting or good. Or healthy. Sheetz, babies. Sheetz and Taco Hell.
Okay, I guess that's boring enough for now. Catch ya on the flip-flop.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
My next Pagan Blog Project will be a catch-up for "T" - Tattoos.
I'm organizing a Halloween potluck at work the Tuesday before. We have our faculty meetings then, and I think it will be nice to start a little before the meeting so we can eat and relax. So far, only a few people have signed up. Most people are bringing sweet things such as pumpkin bread. I'm taking my pumpkin spice latte cheesecake.
I'm taking 2 or 3 savory dishes as well. My butternut squash lasagna is suitable for the vegetarians, and it went over extremely well last year. I think I'll make a meatloaf in the shape of a zombie head/face for the meat eaters. I plan to use sliced almonds for teeth, and maybe a gooey mozzarella eyeball. I considered filling the other eye socket with rice, but that might be too gross... What do you think? Then, if I can pull it off, I want to make phyllo pastry "rolled intestines" with a spinach filling. We'll see if I can pull that one off.
I'm tired just thinking about it! I'll have to cook it all Monday evening and baking the lasagna the morning of. I have my grocery list planned already. I can microwave the meatloaf zombie before we hack into it. The intestines can be reheated that morning, too, and be served at room temperature.
Now, who is going to help me carry all this from the parking lot to the building? LOL
Sunday, September 21, 2014
I made butternut squash lasagna, stuffed peppers, and I will make Persephone's Salad shortly before we go. I hope you all are having or have had a lovely celebration.
Let's get ready for Samhain!
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The sound and photos synced up fine when I put the video together, but something happened on the way to YouTube. Also, my voice sounds like crap. I'm a bit under the weather today.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Pardon my crappy pictures, but I took them just a little bit ago. It's 4:23 am right now.
I think the drink is vile, but I thought it would translate well to cheesecake form. It did! OMG this cheesecake is sooooooooo creamy and rich. I didn't use too much sugar, either. You can kind of see the individual layers, but the colors are pretty similar.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Our second harvest festival in the northern hemisphere, the autumn equinox/Mabon is a time to start turning inward a bit more. It's a time to start focusing on things we want to get rid of at the end of the year, a time to meditate on future goals, and a time to really start connecting more with our inner selves. It's a time to get in touch with our spirituality and prepare for the long, dark winter.
At my parents' house, it's a time for canning and freezing everything from the garden. Tomatoes, peppers, and green beans are being preserved in jars. Pickles have been made. Corn is going into the freezer. My parents are enjoying delicious turnips, raw with salt and pepper. Here, since I have no garden, I am getting ready to de-clutter the house. I have bundles of clothes to give away, books to organize, and other assorted bits of junk to get rid of.
Celebrating the second harvest and enjoying the beginning of autumn are joyful activities. The air will soon grow cool and crisp. The days are already noticeably shorter. Pumpkins already decorate the front of the grocery store. Today, I baked a pumpkin spice latte cheesecake. The time is nigh!
Below is a list of activities and foods for the autumn equinox. If you're having trouble thinking of ideas for decorations, activities, or dishes, perhaps it will help you.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Sometimes, the quickest and simplest things are the most effective for our needs at the time. Here are just few really fast and easy things you can do with kitchen/food items to improve the energies in your home and/or bring prosperity and abundance into your homes.
Burn herbs and/or spices over a charcoal. Use sage to cleanse and purify. Cloves work nicely for purification as well. Place the charcoal in a dish on top of a bed of salt.
Mix up a floor wash to wash away negativity or introduce love, peace, and/or harmony. Boil some lavender and/or rose buds into a tea. Mix with a little white vinegar. Add to your wash water to cleanse the cabinets, counters, and floors to bring in some love energy. Rosemary and/or citrus work for cleansing away negativity. Add some salt to this mixture, too, if you wish. You can also place the concoction into a spray bottle.
A dish of sesame seeds, changed periodically, will help attract prosperity.
There you have it: just a few easy, quick little things you can do using kitchen items and ingredients.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
As always, I plan too much. I am going to have to try really, really hard to be more organized this year so I can cook on the weekends and freeze dishes for the week. My work schedule and my boyfriend's work schedule leave me feeling exhausted during the week. Having only one car complicates things when one person gets off work by 5 and the other works until 9. If I can make Saturdays my shopping days and Saturdays and Sundays cooking days, it should work. I also plan to make Sundays in November pizza days because it's easy to put together. I actually use a calzone dough recipe from allrecipes.com, and it works wonderfully.
Here are the plans I have made for the in-between time of the year:
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
We are an over-sexualized society. Nudity is so strongly tied to sex in many contexts that it's nearly impossible for some people to separate the two. Look at the whole public breastfeeding (non) issue. In this culture, nudity and sex are not only connected, but they are also used to sell everything from perfume to cheeseburgers.
I could go on and on about this topic, but I'm really just using it as a segue into ritual nudity. Working skyclad is a part of some people's practices. It is seen as a symbol of liberation and as a way of connecting to the gods and to the earth. After all, naked is the way we were born.
And as the sign that ye are truly free,
Ye shall be naked in your rites, both men
And women also: this shall last until
The last of your oppressors shall be dead
It works well for some. There are those who do find it very freeing, and it may help them feel more connected to the Divine.
I don't do the skyclad thing. I'm not big on being nude in front of a bunch of people I don't know, unless I'm going in for surgery or something.
This isn't because I am ashamed of my plus-sized body; I'm not. I think that my body, as squishy as it is, is sacred. It is the gift to my soul to carry it around in this lifetime. I may not take the best care of it most of the time, but we'll talk about that later...
Because I see this body as my soul's gift from the gods, I prefer to cover it up and reveal it only to a select few. I see it and I like it. My boyfriend has seen it a couple of times. Hell, I've even mooned people before. I don't even show my hair to people, much less my other bits and pieces. I don't think it's necessary at all.
The Divine knows what my body looks like already. I don't feel the need to approach prayer or celebrations without clothing. For one thing, it's not exactly practical in many cases. Or legal, depending on where you're conducting your celebration/ritual/whatever.
For another thing, I am not approaching the Divine with my body. I am connecting to the Divine with my soul, my true essence. I go naked in spirit. My soul is laid bare before the Divine. I may be wearing clothing on my body, but my soul is naked before the Divine. And that's what works for me.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Autumn is truly the season of the witch, and although I love cooking dishes using summer's bounty, I look forward to the harvest holidays the most. Autumn is the time I enjoy most of all, before the biting, bitter cold of winter. It may seem like the season of dying for some, and I suppose it is, but it is when I come to life. It is when I feel the strongest connection to the earth, when life turns inward for a season of introspection and inner growth.
Then there is Samhain...Ah, Samhain. Beautiful, wonderful Halloween/Samhain, followed closely by the Day of the Dead. It's a time of remembrance and feeling a stronger connection with those who have come before. It is a time to revel in the mysteries of the wise and aged, a time to take their wisdom to heart and put it into practice. Plus the cobwebs and dust in my house look like decorations! Ha!
What season do you like best?
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Now, on to the noodle salad!
This makes a LOT. I'm going to a potluck, so I needed a good amount.
* 1 package extra firm tofu, pressed, dried, cut into cubes
* oil for frying
* 1 cup shredded carrot
* 1 cup shredded Napa cabbage
* 1 cup sugar snap peas, cut into small-ish pieces
* 1/2 cup green onions, sliced
* 1 red bell pepper, thinly sliced into strips
* 1 16-oz. box angel hair pasta
* 1/3 cup lite soy sauce
* 2 tablespoons rice vinegar
* 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil
* 2 tablespoons brown sugar
* 2 cloves garlic
* 1 inch fresh ginger, peeled
Put the garlic and ginger in a food processor and pulse until chopped. Add the rest of the ingredients and pulse to combine.
Cook the pasta until just al dente. Drain. I rinsed mine a bit, but you don't have to.
If you are using the tofu (and you can certainly leave it out), deep fry in oil until cubes are crispy and golden. Drain on paper towels.
In a very large bowl, combine the vegetables, pasta, and tofu. Toss with the dressing.
Optional: Add a tablespoon or two of furikake (Japanese rice seasoning). There are many varieties available. I used one with toasted sesame seeds in with the seaweed.
Feel free to use gluten-free pasta.
I'm about to start potluck preparations. I decided to take some chicken legs and a noodle salad. The noodle salad will be vegan because there are a few vegetarians in the group. I am going to do an Asian-ish noodle salad. The idea is in my brain, but I don't have the exact measurements yet. I will post the recipe once I work things out outside of my mind.
The chicken legs are going to get coated in a sesame-orange-ginger-pineapple glaze. The noodle salad will be made with regular ol' angel hair pasta and cubes of fried tofu, some Napa cabbage, shredded carrot, red bell pepper, green onions, and sugar snap peas. I'm going to make a sesame-ginger dressing for it, and I will probably sprinkle on some furikake, too. Mmmmm! I'm excited to get the cooking started!
I hope you all have a lovely celebration, whatever you do!
Friday, June 20, 2014
In the past, I have written about ways to save money in the kitchen, and I do my best to use a lot of those methods. Still, there isn't much I can do to make my electricity bill lower (I've tried) or the cell phone plan, or, or, or...
I looked at my bank account this morning and saw that the car insurance had cleared. The water bill is next. I barely have enough to get gas in the car and a few crappy grocery items. Payday for the Aussie is the 26th. For me, it's the 30th. What's a girl to do?
Sometimes people turn to magic to help with money woes. I do and don't. I've been known to whip up a batch of Prosperity Shortbread Cookies from time to time (actually my go-to "get a job" cookie recipe), but as for doing spells to get money, I steer clear. Why?
Well, it has been my experience - and that of others I've spoken to - that the Universe is not particular. You can be specific, but it still does what it wants. If you're not specific, look out! You might be in for quite a ride. No, the Universe isn't terribly particular in HOW it helps when you ask it for help.
To illustrate further, a dear friend related a story to me of a man who needed a certain amount of money. He prayed. He did spellwork. He did this and that to get this amount of money, and it worked. Sort of. It worked in such a way that it made me want to avoid money magic for the rest of my life. Let's just say it involved a horrific auto accident in which he remained in the back seat, while his legs joined the driver in the front seat. He got his money, but at what cost?
I don't do spellwork for money because the money might come from a source I'd rather it didn't. An inheritance, for example. I'd rather not have anyone die just so I can get a few extra dollars. I'd rather not win a settlement from an accident that leaves me disabled, either. I'm gonna pass on that and just rearrange my retirement funds to get the money I need in order to get caught up on the bills, bills, bills.
If you are in need of a small amount to help you get through the month, I think it's all right to burn that green candle. Leave out a dish of sesame seeds. Plant a money plant. Visualize a little extra coming in from somewhere or something. Then, you must take some action to make it happen. Again, the Universe ain't too damn particular, so you kind of have to take matters into your own hands for those small amounts. Have a yard sale. Put something on eBay. Practical steps of that type are what you need to take to make it happen. Don't depend solely on magic for anything, really. That's been my stance for a very long time.
Also, evaluate your reasons. Why do you need the money? Were you frivolous earlier in the month? Or did something big and unexpected come up, like a car repair or a home repair? Did a pet have to go to the vet? For me, it's a chiropractic bill that my insurance didn't fully cover. It's a cancelled satellite bill (Suddenlink finally came through and I was able to drop that awful Frontier bullshit). It's home repairs and owing my parents back payments for the trailer because the Aussie was out of work and I wasn't able to give them anything. I haven't been buying crazy shit that I don't need; I've just been trying to survive. (Okay, maybe Internet isn't a necessity, per se, but I do have to work at home sometimes, so it sort of is...)
Anyhell, it boils down to this: Avoid the temptation to do money spells for big amounts. Little bits of prosperity magic should be fine. Just remember to do your part, too. Don't leave it all up to magic.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
I will really, truly need recipe testers at some point, but I don't know when.
Before that can happen, I need to finalize the sections so I can get organized. I am going to list the proposed sections of the book so you can (hopefully) give me some feedback. I am conflicted in some areas. I just don't know if it would be worthwhile to include them. That's where you come in.
Help? Please? With a cherry and sprinkles on top? :)
Sabbats (organized by season)
Esbats (organized by season or month)
And then I want to move on to Life Events. This is where I need help.
Celebrating the Maiden - This is the section that is causing the most problems. I want to include a section on celebrating a young woman. This might include *gasp* menarche. What do you all think? How do you feel about celebrating such an event? It doesn't HAVE to include menarche, per se, but have any of you or would any of you celebrate the maiden aspect of the goddess? It doesn't even have to include an actual, physical maiden; it could just be honoring that aspect of the Triple Goddess.
From there, we would go to:
Celebrating the Mother (I wouldn't leave out fathers!) - This would include baby blessing or naming events.
Celebrating the Crone
Passing Beyond the Veil - This would include foods to take to the grieving families as well as foods for remembrance at Samhain, so it would sort of go along with the Samhain section.
Please leave a comment and let me know what you think. Thank you so much!
Friday, June 13, 2014
If you are single and looking:
Light a pale yellow candle to match the color of the moon, or rely solely on moonbeams. Grab a heart-shaped strawberry dipped in honey. Gaze at the moon for a while and think about what it represents to you. What do you see on the surface? Some see a man in the moon, while others see a lady or a rabbit. (Hey...rabbits...fertility...)
Close your eyes and meditate on finding your perfect match. Again, you do not want to think of a specific person; you want to think instead of the qualities that work with your own. Talk to the Divine. Let the universe know you are ready for your love. Your heart, mind, and soul are ready and willing to receive love. You are worthy of love. When you're ready, eat that strawberry and visualize.
Happy full moon, and happy Friday the thirteenth!