I lost a ferret on Monday night. Poor little thing had bladder stones that wouldn't pass. He couldn't urinate. He was struggling. We rushed to a veterinary clinic that is open until midnight. The vet couldn't do anything but put him to sleep. They put him under before administering the shot. The too-full bladder ruptured, but thankfully, he wasn't conscious to feel it.
I cursed the Divine for not answering my prayers. I cussed and shook my first. I don't feel bad for it, really; after all, the Divine is not a human with a thin skin. People have been mad at the Divine for thousands of years. It has been sworn at countless times. It can take it. I still feel that there is a presence in the universe, but I am more convinced than ever that It doesn't always listen and respond in the way we want It to.
However, I am thankful for a few things still. I am thankful I had time to get to know the ferret and love it. I am thankful we discovered the problem. I am thankful that the clinic was open until midnight and could see us. I am thankful my ferret is no longer suffering.
Still...I hurt. I am sad. I feel angry that nothing could be done to save him. I feel let down. Hugely, enormously, completely let down.
Am I stupid for still believing in a power that doesn't seem to influence my life in any POSITIVE ways? Maybe... Maybe not. I'll never be sure. Not while I live, anyway. Then, my ashes will be put somewhere and my spirit/soul, if I have one, might go somewhere. Won't know til I get there. If I get there.
Rest in Peace, little buddy. I do hope we meet again one day.