Friday, December 19, 2014

Wrapping up Another Shitty Year

Well, 2014 is nearly over.  I wish I could say it was better than previous years, but it was about the same. At least it wasn't a lot worse.

I have failed more times than I have succeeded this year.  I figured that would happen. It always does. It's not that I necessarily set myself up for failure. It just happens.  I think it's just where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do.  Maybe I'm an even bigger masochist than I thought!

I'm going to be honest with you: I'm in the grips of a really bad depressive state.  Yes, I've been taking my medication. No, it is not helping that much.  I haven't hurt myself, but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to. Often.  That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up.

It means that I spend a lot of time just lying around in a catatonic state, tears rolling down my cheeks while my brain screams things at me.   I hear the voices more loudly at times, and this time of year is particularly bad.  I don't feel any reason or need to celebrate jack shit.  I have no holiday decorations.  No gifts.  I promised the Aussie and a work friend that I would make a nice dinner on Xmess Day.  That's about it.

One of the major reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because this time of year reminds me of one thing I can never have - a baby.  I see all of these pregnancy announcements on my FB.  Tons of pictures.  People celebrating with children.  Children full of glee at the holiday season and the magic it brings.  And I can't have that.  And it tears me apart.   Maybe I'm just a selfish cunt.

I have no resolutions for the new year.  I never make them.  I don't stick to those things. Most people don't, but I have no problem admitting it.  I'll continue to smoke. I'll continue to be fat.  I'll continue to work too much and take absolutely no time for myself.  I'll continue to have no self-esteem.  I will continue to feel worthless.  These things never change, and I am not going to pretend that they are.

I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to delete this blog because I feel completely unappreciated.  I feel unappreciated in every aspect of my life, really.  I try to be around for people and be supportive and a good friend, but when I am really hurting...nothing.  No helping hand. No kind word. Nothing.  The Aussie continues to not work on his issues, and I continue to be celibate while in a relationship.  I continue to feel undesirable and unworthy of love.  These things will continue into 2015.  Changing the calendar doesn't change shit.  It's all the same day.  It's all one big ball of suck.

Now, in the unlikely event that anyone has bothered to read this, I do not mean to shit on your parade.  If you celebrate a holiday that's coming up, I do honestly wish it is happy for you.  Hold your loved ones tightly.  Tell them that you love them.  Check up on the sad people.  Do something good for someone if you can.  Don't end up like me.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

The Best-Laid Plans

Well, they often go to shit for me.   Oh, well.   Let's have some updates, shall we?

* I'm still mostly doing the meatless thing until the winter solstice. I say mostly because I've willingly ingested meat during this period, and I plan to eat some on Thursday.

* Thursday is Last Waltz Day in my house, not Thanksgiving.  I may also watch "Concert for George" a couple of days early.
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* I'm on break, but I'm not relaxed yet.

* My bathroom floor will finally be repaired. My dad is coming down here on Tuesday.

* I need to refill my prescriptions.  I'm getting a little nutty.

* I have abandoned hope of catching up with the Pagan Blog Project, but I might still participate in some capacity.

* The semester is nearly over! Hallelujah!

* I'm having...some strange personal issues. A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me, and it seemed to pick up on things, but I still don't know what is going to happen. Most likely nothing, but I have a very wild imagination.  I seem to enjoy torturing myself with elaborate, improbable scenarios.

* I haven't done as much cooking as I'd planned. I'm tired, I have no time during the week, and I'm often too poor to buy the ingredients to make anything interesting or good.  Or healthy.   Sheetz, babies.  Sheetz and Taco Hell.

Okay, I guess that's boring enough for now.  Catch ya on the flip-flop.


Sunday, November 16, 2014

W is for WTF Happened to October?!

And November, for that matter!   I've been way too busy to blog.  I will have to post details later. This is just a quick fly-by to remind you all that I'm still here.  xoxoxo

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Behind Again!

I'm getting behind in life again. Ugh.  Work is getting busier and crazier, and it's about to go absolutely insane.  We're all going to be buried alive. It isn't going to be pretty.  *Deep breath*

My next Pagan Blog Project will be a catch-up for "T" - Tattoos.

I'm organizing a Halloween potluck at work the Tuesday before.  We have our faculty meetings then, and I think it will be nice to start a little before the meeting so we can eat and relax.  So far, only a few people have signed up.  Most people are bringing sweet things such as pumpkin bread.   I'm taking my pumpkin spice latte cheesecake.

I'm taking 2 or 3 savory dishes as well.  My butternut squash lasagna is suitable for the vegetarians, and it went over extremely well last year.  I think I'll make a meatloaf in the shape of a zombie head/face for the meat eaters.  I plan to use sliced almonds for teeth, and maybe a gooey mozzarella eyeball.  I considered filling the other eye socket with rice, but that might be too gross... What do you think?  Then, if I can pull it off, I want to make phyllo pastry "rolled intestines" with a spinach filling.  We'll see if I can pull that one off.

I'm tired just thinking about it!  I'll have to cook it all Monday evening and baking the lasagna the morning of.  I have my grocery list planned already.  I can microwave the meatloaf zombie before we hack into it.  The intestines can be reheated that morning, too, and be served at room temperature.

Now, who is going to help me carry all this from the parking lot to the building?  LOL

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Must Be the Season of the Witch

IT'S FALL!!!!!!!!!  A very blessed autumn equinox to those of you in the northern hemisphere!  I have a gathering to go to this evening.  I'm working on my potluck offerings and getting ready to have a shower.

I made butternut squash lasagna, stuffed peppers, and I will make Persephone's Salad shortly before we go.  I hope you all are having or have had a lovely celebration.

Let's get ready for Samhain!  

Thursday, September 18, 2014

My Tarot Collection...So Far

This is a really quick 'n' dirty video I did to show the decks I have so far.  I have only recently begun to get back into reading cards.  I was pretty good once upon a time, but a decade or so can really change things, wouldn't you say?

The sound and photos synced up fine when I put the video together, but something happened on the way to YouTube.   Also, my voice sounds like crap.  I'm a bit under the weather today.